Sunday, April 10, 2011

Blog no. 39

I'm apologizing for the length between blogs.  I've meant to everyday, but just didn't.  No reason, other than maybe now I'm feeling more self-conscious than usual, because I have some new followers?  Maybe not, maybe I've just been lazy.
I did have some moments this week of self-awareness that were a bit insightful.  The first one having to do with being tired.  Since I've been weaning myself off the Klonopin, I haven't been sleeping well.  Worse than usual, even.  This insomnia has been the, hard to fall asleep, wake up earlier and earlier each day kind.  So last week, Wednesday night, I barely slept at all.  I had to wake up early Thursday for a doctor's appointment, and I was thinking, "Great!  Since I'm so tired, I'll be really relaxed for this appointment.  Perfect." 
It occurred to me a bit later, while walking across the breezeway from my office building to the hospital where my appointment was, that tired and relaxed are two ENTIRELY different states of being.  Tired is like, the opposite of relaxed.  (These are thoughts I'm having across the breezeway). 
Tired is thin, fragile, weak, and unsupported.  Events that occur while tired are magnified on a logarithmic scale, amplified by a brain that just can't process them correctly.  Things feel personal that aren't.  Stressful things are just too much, leading to tears or fits of anger that are entirely inappropriate to the situation.  Tired does NOT equal relaxed.  It's SO obvious now.  Like, hit your head with your hand obvious.  Duh!  But up until then, I think I forced myself to relate the two states (tired = relaxed) so that I could function better while exhausted and sleep-deprived.  But it was actually just making things worse!  Why am I crying?  Why am I so hungry?  Why does nothing sound good to eat except M&Ms?  Why can't I sleep?  Why are all these awful horrible things happening to me? (read: awful horrible things such as, I forgot my fork and/or water bottle at work, so must use plastic fork and/or plastic cup).
When really, I must just acknowledge, I am *tired*.  Things are harder when I'm tired.  But, I *know* this, and can deal with being tired.  I can also try to feel more relaxed about being tired.  One does not equal the other, yet one can occur within the framework of the other.  Meaning, I can be tired, and become relaxed.
Anyway, like I said, duh.  And yet, profound to me, on a Thursday morning, on the breezeway, to the hospital.  A life lesson learned.
So thank you, Moment of Clarity. 
And here, a quote from the author of the preface to my gratitude journal, Catherine Price; "...I felt something deeper inside me begin to change: I was training myself to appreciate the everyday beauty and joy that already existed in my life, and I was beginning to understand how I could create more of those experiences."
So this week, I feel like I have united two ideas - the original blog idea of finding meaning in the everyday, and gratitude.  I will find meaning in what already exists in my life, feel grateful, and learn how to continue to practice this idea.

(I just like this picture because my hair looks really red (it's brown) and I have makeup on.)  So here's me, looking into the future with a mindset to be more forgiving of myself when I am tired, and to find gratitude in my pretty amazing life.


  1. No one anointed me. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. So I'll just share with you what was given to me. Some of us get into a mindset that we must blog-perform on some certain schedule. It'll kill ya. You run the risk of putting up posts that don't mean much to anyone, including yourself, and on that every-day schedule, you don't allow your commenters enough time to read, digest and say something cogent. You blog for yourself, at your own pace, because beyond yourself, it really doesn't mean very much at all. Yes, I know, that part broke my heart, too! Anyway, that advice was given to me by a blogger who is anointed and who may, indeed, be the sharpest tool in the shed, and I've felt more comfortable in my blogging skin ever since. That and $1 will get you a cup of coffee at a really shitty place.

    WV-respur. Isn't that the topic of your research?

  2. @LM - I think this blog took so long to get to because I was so damn tired!
    I also really did want to be able to refer to that preface because when I read it, it really resonated that *that's* what I was really trying to do with this blog. Tie together the small magic moments in life and gratitude, because they just have so much more meaning when you feel thankful that they happened!!

  3. Well, I'm one of those new followers. I hope my presence didn't intimidate you from writing. I'm a nice guy. Really.

    When you give in to being tired, i.e., go to sleep, it can be very relaxing. When you fight being tired, i.e., stay awake, it's anything but relaxing.

    Never feel guilty about being tired. It'll just keep you awake at night. So, relax.

  4. @KJ - I think I was just being lazy last week. I can tell you're a nice guy. :-)
    I heard Jimmy Fallon make a joke today- "Frankie says chillax". So...I'll just be chillaxin'.

  5. speaking of tired, i just wrote an entire comment, only to lose it by an uncontrolled twitch of the fingers. dammit.
    be that as it may, what leslie said. if you try to post every day, pretty soon you'll start writing "blobber, blother, blagger, blahblahblah." really. it's been known to happen.
    and as kirk said, lighten up, hon. (okay, the "hon" is my baltimore-ness coming out.)

    see what happens when you're tired?

  6. @rraine - I hate it when I lose a comment! I usually feel it was better than the second one. Oh well.
    You're totally right - I don't want to blah blog at all.
    And I'll keep chillaxing. I'm tired today anyway, isn't that the same thing? JK.

  7. Blogging sort of sucks. Most of the time I don't feel as if there is anything in my head that I know people would pay good money to read. I also don't like to blog about my life cause it's just wake up swim around. Most of the fun is reading other people's posts.

  8. @Tag - it's a good thing, then, that no one has to pay to read my blog. It is fun to read other people's posts. And honestly, I'm glad I don't have to pay to do that too. :-)

  9. Hello there! Thanks for stopping by my Blog. I think I can relate to a lot of what you say here, and to echo Leslie, I have to agree... Posting every day has me chasing my tail to get things posted lately, and I don't get the chance to give the commenter the feedback I should be.

    I'm participating in a blog challenge right now where I post every day, and coming up with things for each letter of the alphabet, I can feel myself starting to wear out. We're exactly halfway though, and while I am enjoying it, I'll be happy to be done. 26 posts may have been a bit much... which you can probably read between the lines of the fact that today's post was about feeling "Meh."

    Good luck with the insomnia... I worry about getting that so much it keeps me up at night... ;)

  10. @Matt - I was referred to the "meh" blog today by Leslie! I have found much entertainment this morning from pursuing a t-shirt with that statement online. I feel about 85.7% sure that by the end of the day, I will have ordered one. Or not, you know. Meh.