I did have some moments this week of self-awareness that were a bit insightful. The first one having to do with being tired. Since I've been weaning myself off the Klonopin, I haven't been sleeping well. Worse than usual, even. This insomnia has been the, hard to fall asleep, wake up earlier and earlier each day kind. So last week, Wednesday night, I barely slept at all. I had to wake up early Thursday for a doctor's appointment, and I was thinking, "Great! Since I'm so tired, I'll be really relaxed for this appointment. Perfect."
It occurred to me a bit later, while walking across the breezeway from my office building to the hospital where my appointment was, that tired and relaxed are two ENTIRELY different states of being. Tired is like, the opposite of relaxed. (These are thoughts I'm having across the breezeway).
Tired is thin, fragile, weak, and unsupported. Events that occur while tired are magnified on a logarithmic scale, amplified by a brain that just can't process them correctly. Things feel personal that aren't. Stressful things are just too much, leading to tears or fits of anger that are entirely inappropriate to the situation. Tired does NOT equal relaxed. It's SO obvious now. Like, hit your head with your hand obvious. Duh! But up until then, I think I forced myself to relate the two states (tired = relaxed) so that I could function better while exhausted and sleep-deprived. But it was actually just making things worse! Why am I crying? Why am I so hungry? Why does nothing sound good to eat except M&Ms? Why can't I sleep? Why are all these awful horrible things happening to me? (read: awful horrible things such as, I forgot my fork and/or water bottle at work, so must use plastic fork and/or plastic cup).
When really, I must just acknowledge, I am *tired*. Things are harder when I'm tired. But, I *know* this, and can deal with being tired. I can also try to feel more relaxed about being tired. One does not equal the other, yet one can occur within the framework of the other. Meaning, I can be tired, and become relaxed.
Anyway, like I said, duh. And yet, profound to me, on a Thursday morning, on the breezeway, to the hospital. A life lesson learned.
So thank you, Moment of Clarity.
And here, a quote from the author of the preface to my gratitude journal, Catherine Price; "...I felt something deeper inside me begin to change: I was training myself to appreciate the everyday beauty and joy that already existed in my life, and I was beginning to understand how I could create more of those experiences."
So this week, I feel like I have united two ideas - the original blog idea of finding meaning in the everyday, and gratitude. I will find meaning in what already exists in my life, feel grateful, and learn how to continue to practice this idea.
(I just like this picture because my hair looks really red (it's brown) and I have makeup on.) So here's me, looking into the future with a mindset to be more forgiving of myself when I am tired, and to find gratitude in my pretty amazing life.