Blog-grrrrrr (no. 30)

Although I knew going into this appointment (and have known for months, because that’s how long it took me to get the stupid visit) that it wouldn’t be at all special or different or life changing, I’m still feeling…deflated.  Disappointed.  Discouraged.  For like, the hundredth time.

After again passing the standard neurological tests (does this feel cold, does this feel sharp, touch your nose with this finger) and explaining my symptoms, this new University neurologist “can’t say for sure what’s causing my symptoms”.  We know what it isn’t, but we don’t know what it is.  I’m really trying to cling to what should be the important items: “It’s not progressive, it’s not MS, it’s not my central nervous system, there is no evidence of permanent damage” but what’s ringing most loudly in my ears is “it may never completely resolve, there is no way of knowing how long it may take, the only medication we can offer you will only help you deal with the symptoms”.  And annoyingly, “there seems to be some component of anxiety involvement”.  To which I hear “this isn’t real” and want to reply “oh, so I’ve been anxious enough to hyperventilate and cause numbness and tingling for the last 15 months straight?  Every day?  All day?  That’s the best you can offer?  I’m anxious?  Of fucking course I’m anxious.  But not all the damn time.  Come up with something better than that.”

So my options are apparently to continue with the seizure meds that make me clumsy and affect my short-term memory in ways that are only occasionally amusing, or start an anti-depressant that causes nausea in 25% of people, insomnia in 10%, and diarrhea in 24%.  That sounds awesome.  Why don’t you take away my libido too (5%)?  Just find all the things in life that are fun and enjoyable (eating, sleeping, solid bowel movements, and orgasms) and fuck those up with a pill that may or may not have any effect on my nerve condition.  I am choosing…none of the above.  I’m done with this BS. 

True, I feel like a pouting, whining, angry, spoiled patient.  And tomorrow I may feel differently and eventually end up taking one or more of these ridiculous pills.  But right now, I’m over it.  I’ve just been told that I may get to live with this crap the rest of my life, but we’ll “never really know for sure”.  Fuck you, Medicine.

Gratitude should follow the arrows.

In an attempt to end this on a positive note…I really *am* ….grateful?  Not initially.  That’s not the first word that comes to mind when I am in my little black storm cloud (like right now), but it’s there somewhere.  I sometimes have to force it when Deepak Chopra tells me to “experience gratitude in your heart.”  But I can feel it, and I can experience it.  My life isn’t over, that’s ridiculous.  It’s just changed and inconvenienced.  I have plenty to be grateful for.  Not having permanent nerve damage, for one.  I suppose.  *forcing gratitude into heart*  

So for the next week (arbitrary) I will find, reflect upon, and recognize five things in my life each day for which I am grateful.  And I’m just saying right now they’re not all going to be deep and profound.  Some will be superficial material things.  Just so we’re clear.

Today’s: (in no particular order) Basket, my Husband, my bank account, Golden Oreos, Pandora.



(Twenty minutes later) I've been sitting here, staring at this picture of Basket, wondering if I should perhaps expand upon today's Items of Gratitude/Things for Which I am Grateful.  Thank you, Basket, for being the most orange and adorable pet I've ever had.  Thank you, Husband, for dealing with my storming Pout Cloud.  Thank you, bank account, for not yet running out while I pay through my reconstructed nose for finding out absolutely nothing about this condition (whatever it may be).  Thank you, Golden Oreos, for being a sweet delicious vanilla version of your equally delicious sister cookie, the Oreo, (and for being my afternoon snack).  And thank you, Pandora, for keeping me from going absolutely nuts in my cube all day, and for introducing me to fantastic new music. 

I feel better already.

PS - Maybe you all can do the same, if you'd like.  Post your IoG/TfWyaG as comments, and we can all enjoy them.  Let's make a happy little cloud.  :^D